You, Me & A Healthy Boundary

Article by Laura Rain

Originally Published in the Holistic Living Magazine

Years ago I was a dutiful and diligent self-care practitioner. I had been on a healing journey
that required a tremendous amount of selfcare. In addition to prioritizing holistic selfcare appointments, I had a daily self-care ritual that fed my body, mind and soul. Fast-forward many years to my present life, and my self-care needs have changed. I no longer need that same level of care, but can struggle finding the time to get my basic self-care needs met amidst all the demands of a busy life. I’m not alone. Burnout, sleep deprivation, as well as overwhelming commitments and duties seem to be increasingly common. The need to slow down and rest is desperately needed for many of us.

According to the book “Sacred Rest” by Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith, there are seven areas of rest: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, social, sensory and creative. Upon completing the self-assessment quiz in her book, I discovered I am most in need of rest in the physical and sensory categories. This means that in order for me to feel more restored, I need to incorporate more ways to rest my body, and to experience my environment as a quiet, peaceful sanctuary, void of sensory input. How do I make that happen in the context of a busy, noisy household? When the kids are asleep is the answer to that question! I’m not a morning person, but I’ve been doing it – waking up early and taking the time to breathe deeply, journal, stretch, meditate and have my cup of coffee in peace. It’s lovely, and something to be cherished and respected. But what happens when the kids wake up and interrupt my self-care mojo? How do I continue taking care of myself amidst other demands on my attention and energy? When the kids were little, their needs trumped my own. That is normal. Children need to be attended to. What about now that they’re older? What are the boundaries?

And by the way, what are healthy boundaries anyway? This question comes up often in sessions with clients. People can think having boundaries is a way to separate themselves or protect themselves. When we think about boundaries in this way, we tend to feel selfish and worried that our boundaries might hurt someone else. I’d like to suggest that healthy boundaries are less about self protection, and are more about an act of self-awareness and self-love. When we are boundary to take care of ourselves, it is also a gift to our relationships and to the people in our lives. Here’s why. If we are not aware of our needs and we don’t know what our boundaries are, we are unable to communicate them with others. When those uncommunicated boundaries are crossed either by ourselves or others, the result is anger. Anger can lead to resentment, which, sadly, is one of the killers of relationships. Anger is a natural response when a boundary, whether spoken or unspoken, has been crossed.

On the other hand, when we are aware of our needs and have healthy boundaries with ourselves, and can communicate them with others, that builds trust. The ability to trust ourselves to know our boundaries, and honor them, also gives trust to the people we are in relationships with. They can trust that we are able to communicate our needs and take care of ourselves, ultimately giving them the freedom and permission to do the same.

In my example, if I allow my children to invade my self-care time, I become irritable with them, harboring resentment that I got interrupted, and perhaps even concluding that it’s impossible for me to get my needs met. That doesn’t sound like a path to happiness or healthy relationships for anyone! On the other hand, if I know what my needs are and I teach my children how to respect my self-care space, I become a more patient and loving mom. I am also modeling for my children that it’s OK to take care of themselves. Now that is a recipe for happy relationships for everyone!

Everyone needs healthy boundaries. Boundaries allow us to BE. I encourage you to explore the following:

• Do you know what your needs are?
• Do you set boundaries to ensure they are met?
• Do you hold yourself accountable for honoring your boundaries?
• Do you communicate your boundaries clearly with others?
• Self-awareness + healthy boundaries + authentic communication = healthy, trusting, loving relationships with ourselves and others.